Sooo… day before Giants' parade, cop texted me he wished I’d just stay at his place, as traffic from Palo Alto (where I usually live) into SF was going to be bad – and, pffttt, forget parking! Said he’d be working late and leaving early, so we wouldn't have to see each other much, so I agreed and a key was left under mat. Beats the hell out of on the roof – so much more convenient!
So I went over after work to collect junk I left over at his place – kinda sad, empty place – fuck-ton of wonderful memories made my eyes kinda wet. Bored alone, so poured some stiff vodka tonics and soaked in the tub for about an hour before curling up on the couch watching TV. Went to bed around 10:30 – sometime during the night, I heard him come in and over to bed, stroked the side of my face, then sat on bed's end taking his shoes off. It all came flowing out - his sudden explosion me - his attacking me out of the blue recently - and the reason behind it all.He said he hoped I was awake and listening, but came clean that ring shopping with me was kinda freaking him out – that he wasn't so sure he could undertake something as serious as marriage with someone who thinks life is a non-stop party and lives on “the edge”. Said these things initially attracted him to me, but thought I’d “grow out of it” by now and become a more stable, serious person to marry and start a family with. Said my unwillingness to even meet with anyone from his Church raised red flags, as that meant a lot to him and bothered him when I said I wouldn't miss football for that (my fucking God, we had all summer, WTF?). Said I burn the candle at both ends instead of making time for ONLY the two of us, rather we’re too often with friends in large groups or going out to events.
Apologized for how he “ambushed” me out of the blue the other night, but I was having a lot of fun partying it up with others, and this is EXACTLY what he wants me to dial down. Claims he should have approached me with his concerns privately and didn't mean for it to escalate like it did. Said he never should have told me I’m "not now or ever will be marriage material", but he did... Oh, I'll never forget those exact words.
Finally he said the last thing he’d ever try to do is change me. Says I’m just who I am and, and he’s secretly jealous I’m always there with a smile and laugh and a walking party. Said I really do light up a room and put everyone in a good mood when I’m around, and of anyone he’s ever met, I have the biggest heart by far. Said he fell in love with me on our second date, but knew from the day I drunkenly mistook his cop car for a cab, there was something special about me.
So I heard my ring placed on the nightstand, and he said, “Put this back on, Karyn.” Said he loved me more than anything and kissed my cheek before going to sleep on couch. I never flinched, never moved, didn't cry – just acted asleep. Was gone in morning before I got up for parade. See him off in distance - get a huge smile, run bouncing up to him near Civic Center pleading with urgency, hands clasped like prayer “Hey Officer! Puullleeezzzz can I ride your horsie?” Laughed, trying to remain composed, but saw his eyes kinda sink when he looked at my ring less finger. Oh well...
I have a date for tomorrow night's Dropkick Murphys concert and another for Wednesday GWAR's show - yeah, I don't know one GWAR song, but that show looks like a hoot... And they're not "date, dates" - one is a friend and the other the cop's friend who is also a cop and wants to see GWAR for a laugh as well.So there's the story, as it appears I'm not "marriage material". Gotta be honest, have a healthy ego, wow - that one floored me like a Tyson hook on Robin Givens's cheek. Maybe Mom's right - oh wait, she's such a walking cunt, there's no way...
I know you read here Dad - I'm 100% doing well. Ignore that last part about Mom - know you can, as you've done it all these years...
Karyn
