Junior year of high school was like a senior year for me. Our school let us play up, so when I was in 8th grade, I was playing varsity on our high school basketball / volleyball teams. So by my junior year, I knew EVERY coach, all the staff on campus for YEARS by then - they were like second family to me. Pretty popular - class president, sports, guitar player for years where most kids had seen me play live at some time. But really innocent and shy around guys - hadn't even kissed a boy yet.That winter, my best friend Amy got the bright idea we should streak the varsity football team. They practiced late, it was getting dark earlier, so we recruited 3 other girls and came up with a plan. We'd park on one side of the gym in one of my girlfriends' brother's car. We'd strip, put on our masks, run around the gym to the back where the boys would be on the field way behind. There's a long cement patio before the field, so we'd stick to that - once circle and back in the car with the waiting driver.
Now I have a huge identity problem here - was borderline 6 foot tall with blonde hair to my butt, so I stuck out like a heterosexual man at Lilith Fair... Always been Star Wars nerd, so I had the idea of putting my hair up and wearing my talking Darth Vader helmet for the run. Other girls went the ski mask to gorilla mask route. This is sooo going to work!
So we pile in on snowiest Thursday night of year and make way to gym. I get out and peek around the corner - yep, they're practicing under dim lights, the gym patio's snow had been pushed into field, so clear - all is PERFECT!!! Run back, everyone gets excited, strip buck ass naked in car, masks on - hold hands and tiptoe through FREEZING snow - it's fucking Hoth cold - to gym corner's edge. I'm last because I have a problem - I can't see a damn thing. This crappy plastic helmet has shit for eyes - can make out shapes of people in front, but nothing else. How the fuck did Anakin work with this thing? Should be fine. Getting up the guts, hit my talking Vader chest plate. Says something like "hhhhoooo pppuuuurrrr" or however you spell his breathing. Broke the nervous ice, ready? ONE, TWO, THREE!!!
First two friends head out, and Amy and I are right on their tail with me bringing up the rear. They're screaming getting attention, and I can make out their arms flailing around. This is working - I can hear the boys shouting and hooting at us! Next thing I see is Amy making a sharp right about 3/4ths the way down the patio - she's making the cut to head back to the car, we fucking did it!
Well, that's what I THOUGHT she was doing... Next thing I see is my right knee gently rising in the landscape of Vader's darkened eye horizon. Put my arms out I guess in a fucked up attempt to fly - who knows, but I had hit a solid piece of ice at full speed, and both knees were well over my head at this point. I slam-landed back of head first - distinctly remember the sound of plastic on ice and teeth crashing together. Cold and scratchy on my back, no control of arms, as I slid the last 10 yards, off the patio and into the snow. Had to throw up, but couldn't move - fuck, did I just paralyze myself into a tube-blower for the rest of my life?As a kid, I always asked women who had babies if they were embarrassed about being naked in front of everyone, because I'd could NEVER do that - biggest fear ever! They laughed and would always answer "Honey, you're in so much pain, you don't give a shit who sees what." Not me, I don't do nudity well - except for my brothers, ZERO boys have ever seen me naked... and hat streak (irony!) would last for ummm... about another 20 seconds.
Ragdolled it hard towards piled snow frozen tits up ruddering myself through the frigid Indiana night. Was seeing black and feeling red: Red hot of cheeks and red, irony taste of blood in my mouth and dripping from scalp. I heard urgent footsteps crunching icy snow and people yelling. Guess using the Force, sensed there are a lot of people standing around me, as wind is slight now - hear some giggling, some "what the fuck"s, some "who is that?", a "fuck yeah!" here and there. Hear Coach Jenkins near my Vaderness ask me if I can hear him - he's yelling for people not to move me. I heard him, but didn't answer. Felt like I needed to save energy. He's yelling for the kids to take two steps back - distinctly remember that - 2 steps. Because I remember wondering why the fuck isn't he yelling for a blanket and how about 100 goddamn steps backwards to the field for the team?
Coaches feeling wrist for pulse (why?), said they "gotta get that mask off of her". Oh great! Just fucking wonderful... Helmet is top dickhead-looking part snapped on rest of mask. Felt the un-snap the Darth glans penis part, as he threw it aside freeing my long blood-blonde hair. You'd reckon by now SOMEONE would have covered me with a blanket or jacket or fuck, how about a snowball please to just cover my kipper mitten, but no. He sees blood and yells for a coach to call 911. Wrestles with back of mask frustrated like a high-school kid trying to undo his first bra, finally cracks the code...And with one hand holding the talking part, and weirdly like the Vader death scene of in Return of the Jedi, he unmasked full butt-ass naked me for every lineman, backfield - hell, even the bench gets an eyeful tonight! Right at that second, it hit me what the pregnant women were relaying to me - didn't give two purple shits that every boy on that team was now pulling his pervy jaw off the snow now. I mouthed, "Hey Coach..." He'd been at our house the week before for dinner. Was like a collective chorus "Holy shit, it's KARYN!!!" Could hear excitement, a buzz, laughter - turned my head right and first coughed blood, then threw up down the side of my face. With no more humiliation possibly to be had, it was NOW Coach freaked out and yelled for them to get to the locker room and get me a blanket. I could hear my name probably 50 times in the distance as they were running way. Ambulance, neck brace, hospital, parental explanation, overnight for observation - even missed Friday school where stories buzzed all day about Karyn UnKlothed...
Later, Amy told me she saw the girls in front dodge sheet of ice and did same, but was almost around corner when I slipped. Was in car before realized I wasn't behind her. Ran back, but saw football team sprinting to my au naturel aid and high-tailed it back to car. Said nothing she could do but give them two eyefuls of nudity if she came to help me.
So that was my first attempt at streaking: Concussion, shaved head, stitches, naked spread-eagle in front of football team, vomit on self, severe embarrassment, police questioning, school suspension... Guess how many damn times I heard Karyn Vader, Ice Princess, Darth Karyn, or that fucking Vader breathing noise (how DO you spell that?) in school hallways until summer? Oh my...
Thank God, but it took the glitter incident with my pink canoe the next school year to chase all the old Vader nicknames away...
Streaking K
#FML
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