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Being a (ahem...) perfect Catholic girl, I've never been CAUGHT doing that unhealthy act, but I do have one confirmed "catch" – totally accidental and disturbing to this day - my roommate Amy. Not telling this to be titillating (but if you’re smiling over that word already, there’s no helping you…), but Ames is extremely pretty – like a taller, athletic Anna Kournikova – except she is an incredible athlete, not a model in a tennis skirt. We've called her "Hands" or "Jack" since our freshman year in high school, because she has the biggest hands I’ve personally seen on a woman – Jack Skellington digits on a superb volleyball / basketball player. I roomed with a bunch of girlfriends my 2nd year at IU – all athletes – in a two-story old house off campus. Amy and I moved in early, so it was just the two of us…
So, I worked in the chem lab getting set up for the new year and got my work done early. Drove home - scorching Indiana afternoon - opened the door and the house was echoing with the TV blaring – sounded sitcom-y. Cautiously walked to the living room, and there she was: My wonderful roommate in panties and a IU half-shirt resting on her breasts, heels dug in the couch - one knee facing Maine, other Oregon. She had her right hand down the front of her panties, and her left hand was pulling on her right breast. Not holding, pulling – like trying to pull an icicle off a frozen gutter – she would pull on the end of her nip-cicle, hand would slide off, then go at it again. Actually winced because it really looked like it hurt - head back, mouth open, eyes closed and pwning the nub like some genital genie was going to come exploding out of her magic labia lamp...
I froze – literally froze for at least 15 seconds wrestling with all the critical questions that popped to mind. Can I tiptoe backwards without getting caught? How will this affect our relationship and school year? Can I keep this story from my other roommates? Are her nipples made out of different, sturdier material than mine? Why are her fucking feet on our brand new couch? And oh my God, is that "Saved By The Bell" on TV???
And I tried my hardest - trust me, I tried… Did everything in my power to squash the laughter growing exponentially by the second – my ears even popped as the laugh eruption backtracked from my closed mouth - only to reroute, hiccup, and sneak out my nose in some freak half-bark / half-snore yelp that only made me want to laugh more. Her eyes opened, big hands abandoned moist parts, and head flew my direction to the right with a speed only Vic Morrow would appreciate. Mouth didn’t move – stayed open, but now in shock as we made eye contact. Fraction of a second of panicked "what to do?", then I lost it and thank God she did too. Dropped my backpack and fell on the couch laughing with her probably the hardest of my life...
And we laughed and laughed and laughed and started crying from laughing, until I could barely utter the question burning in my mind, "Zack or Slater?" The situation was hilarious already, but the fact she was masturbating to "Saved By The Bell" of all things slayed me. She started screaming now and said "Screech", and I was worried I might actually black out from not being able to breathe. I said "My God Amy, they’re underage – they’re in high school you know…", and she grabbed my left arm to hold herself upright. So we tried to get our composure back – she’s squeezing my arm and lets go – but not quite...
She let go alright, but we kinda remained attached – skin stuck weakly together, and I freaked the fuck out. That was her right hand on my arm – the one she’d just been playing the clitar with, and that epidermal post-it note paste holding us together was her panty pudding – vaginal velcro, whatever you want to call it. I screamed like never before – I’m weird about stuff like this. Don’t even do my laundry with other girls’ panties in the load, so coming into contact with this made me dart for the shower - don’t even think I got fully undressed. Haunts me even today to think one of my best friends in the world would be romancing her own to young high school boys on "Saved By The Bell" (the one where Zack met the college girl even), then use my arm as some sort of vag adhesive Baby Wipe...
Out of boredom today, I called a prominent law firm in Indianapolis earlier and asked my favorite paralegal / best friend in the deepest voice I can muster, "Hi, this is Screech, do I make you want to touch yourself?"
"Go fuck yourself Karyn..." was the laughing reply. Chronic masturbation seems to lead to cursing. I told her I was going to post the story, and she said it would OK if I would offer her defense. Her words: "I was wearing my panties and shirt watching TV, but I had an itch on my inner thigh and fluff on my shirt I was getting off when Karyn came barreling in laughing hysterically. It was humid and hot, so that’s why we were sticky. I was laughing because she was. Hey Kar, you feel so much like posting - why don’t you tell everyone when you got shit-faced with those girls from Florida and you all..." <<CLICK>>
Kar
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