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I've volunteered (and still do) at a Children’s Hospital, coached tennis camps for underprivileged children, donated over 4 feet of hair to Locks of Love, gave blood regularly, and played guitar in Sunday church services for more Sundays than not. Virtuous bragging? Not at all; truth is I’m scrambling like a fat tourist in Pamplona - for heaven points. See, I’m going to Hell for something I did with the all the best of intentions...
Upon moving to California from Indiana, sorority girlfriends approached me about being a "hugger" at a Bay Area Special Olympics event. I should have stopped there - never really been the touch-feely type unless I know you. My nicknames growing up were "Ice Princess" & "Iron Maiden". Plus, I’d never been around retarded (or special needs or handi-capable or whatever makes you feel better) children before, but my heart kinda smiled thinking how touching this might be.
So on a gorgeous Saturday I drove to the hosting school, got my super-cool free shirt, and was ready to hug away at the Track & Field event. Was a little late, so they directed me to help get athletes into the starting blocks for the 200m, then I’d beeline it to the finish line in time to hug my runner. Didn't know they weren't divided into age groups, because I got a really fragrant Hedo Turkoglu look-alike guessing in his 40’s (?) going against younger runners. He mentioned to me his shoes ran fast today. Cute... Others in our prelim had unique starting styles: One stood fists-clenched with thumbs in, one imitated a bull scratching the track with his right foot about, one was turned towards me staring, one fire-hydrant meets man-child went with a 3-point lineman stance, and Hedo used blocks - but almost in a yoga pose his butt was so high.
Starting pistol raised, fists-clenched became ears-clenched, and every tongue in the field came out. “On your mark... get set... BANG!!!!” And that’s the millisecond it happened – I swear to God things went Matrix-slow motion and absolutely spiraled downhill for me faster than JFK Jr's Cessna …
Fists-clenched didn't run, rather cowered at the pistol’s blast. Bull guy got caught with his foot at the end of his bull-stroke, slipped, righted his bovine self, then decided the outside lane was the way to go today. I accidentally cracked a smile – nobody wins in that lane! Started laughing in playful desperation to get him to stay in his lane. Fire hydrant had been eyeing the finish line from the beginning and bolted right across the infield straight through the long jump pit. His sand rooster-tail and glance back to proudly see it made my laugh grow exponentially. My Turkoglu-twin’s legs fired, but hands cemented as he practically somersaulted and did the first couple meters handstand until his feet came down. When they did hit the track, he let out THE most awesome tire squeal and proceeded to run down the track making race car noises. I dropped to one knee from really breaking up now, but when he audibly shifted gears about the 10 meter mark, I was starting to come undone... Had hiccups and was light-headed by 8th gear, but had to get into hugging position and started jogging after fire hydrant with my face covered laughing.
As I neared the finish line, it became pretty obvious everyone must have missed the whole "tard scatter" at the start, because not one person was laughing with me. They had seen my “deliriously drunk with laughter” serpentine jog back, and I found myself drowning in a glaring mix of disgust/shock/anger. Race finishes, everyone yells “I WON!!”, even fists-clenched from clear on the other side of the oval. Was about to hug my sore-throated Heed Racer, when I was pulled aside and read the goddamn riot act through gritted grey teeth by a woman not 3 minutes removed from being the sweetest grandmother-type ever to hug a 15-gear Olympian. Holy shit was she mad - not just angry mad, but possessed mad. I apologized profusely, was asked to compose myself and go hand out towels at the “Aquatics” event.
My face gets red, shoulders start bouncing, and throat closes as I’m trying my best to not laugh – God, please don’t let me laugh. Takes his right index finger & middle finger, makes a little man out of it, and his “little Greg Lou-penis” finger-pranced down the erection springboard and bounced a couple of times on the end. Buried my face in the towels and absolutely fucking howled. It physically hurt - got scared because I couldn't breathe. Only one wide-eyed little girl in the audience besides me notices and is laughing as well, while everyone else is pretending not to see any of this. How can you NOT see this - look!!! It's the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen - look you people!!! Race starts - equal mix of dives, cannonballs, stares and belly-flops. Angry mother-hugger sees me face down in towels, thanks me for my time and asks me to leave the grounds. Tried to apologize all choked up but voice cracked like Carl Lewis attempting the Star-Spangled Banner. She says something over her volunteer walkie-talkie, and I'm walked back to the parking lot borderline crying.
Sat in my Jeep, took a deep breath and cried pretty hard. Seriously questioning what exactly the fuck is wrong with me? I have never ever been kicked out of anything, sent to the office, or even pulled over by a cop in my life – but blackballed from hugging? As I’m ready to leave ashamed, wiping my tears and knowing full well this will go on my permanent moral record, I started to smile and laugh again - not to be mean, but holy shit - it WAS funny. Will never know why, but I turned off the Jeep, got changed out of my super-cool free shirt, grabbed sunglasses and a ball cap, tucked ponytail in, found a laughing towel on floor and went back to watch - hidden in the obscurity of the way back of the track bleachers. Stayed the entire day event-hopping until my abs were killing me by sundown. Easily in the Top 5 days of my life for laughing, I’m an awful person for it, regret it big time, and well aware I’m going to Hell as a result unless I can reel in more Heaven points.
That's why I keep trying so hard...
Karyn
1 comment:
Totally fucking hilarious! Why people can't see the humor just shows how uptight they are. The Olympians probably enjoyed your laughter and the only ones who were uncomfortable were the people trying to make themselves feel superior by remaining stoic! You're awesome K. Even if I believed in heaven or hell, I don't think you'd be going to the latter. People do believe God "sees" what is in your heart right?
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